my second period class starts at
approximately eight forty-five every
single morning and my heart slams against my chest at
approximately eight forty-five every
single morning

because in second period psychology i
sit right in front of the door and i mean right
in front of the door, a perfect viewpoint into
the teacher’s lounge and if anyone ever swept
by with a gun i would be the first to die in
my second period class at
approximately eight forty-five in the morning

i think about this a lot

i made the mistake a couple of weeks ago of
reading the eyewitness accounts of a parkland student
during a kavanaugh hearing and i knew while reading
it that i shouldn’t have done it i knew it would linger in
my mind and i felt i had some duty to them as a high school
senior that these were things i should be aware of
things i should know just
in case

i should not have read it because
i am scared

the sandy hook shooting was on a friday i was in
the sixth grade i cannot forget the first monday back
in school the way the room was silent in
my second period class at
approximately nine thirty that morning because
we knew that was the time that shooter had slammed
through the door of those kids’ classroom and
we realized even then that it could have just
as easily been our own

i was scared i am scared i am so tired of being scared
i am so tired of my life being disregarded i am
tired of coming to school scared i am tired of being
haunted by these thoughts at eleven at night when i
am on the bridge of sleep i wonder what would happen
if i didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my mother i
would want her to fight for me i wouldn’t want to die

i don’t want to die
i am a high school senior and i don’t want to die
i don’t want to die.

***

Grace Yannotta is currently in her senior year of high school in North Carolina. She’s an aspiring author and an aspiring historian and an aspiring a lot of things. She has been published previously in Boston Accent Lit and has a forthcoming column in Dark Wood Magazine.